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Thursday, November 26th, 2009
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Went to go see the doc after talking about my possible ADD with my therapist. After starting out the appointment with her kinda sorta doubting the whole ADD thing, 15 minutes later she was prescribing Concerta without reservation. I guess I said all the "right" things. So that was 2 days ago - I've taken the Concerta twice. I've not noticed the hyper-acuity and ability to focus like I was expecting and was told to look forward to. I do, however, feel like eating a bullet tonight. Hopefully that's not what's supposed to happen, because if so...bad doctor.
It might have something to do with today being Thanksgiving and me not feeling one iota of anything to feel thankful about. We spent the day at the mother-in-laws, and while there was nothing overtly bad about it, there just wasn't anything special. Is this drug deadening me? I have no idea. And honestly, if so, I don't know if I want to stop taking it. It's been almost a year since I've been voluntarily touched by my wife. I don't mean sexually - I mean at all. We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for months, with no end in sight. In the words of my therapist, "Wow...you're screwed."
I took her out to see New Moon last Friday. We spent a few hours beforehand wandering in the mall, watched the movie and went home. We had an absolutely great time. Grabbed some food, had some good conversation, laughed - it was great. And an abnormality, apparently. Things have gone right back to where they were. We sit at home, have superficial conversation, and laugh together. But the laughter is all on the surface. Asking her how her day is, or was, or what's wrong, or anything that has to do with anything below the surface, and she won't talk to me. Nothing. It's depressing. All I want to do is have a normal marriage. Why is that so hard? When we went to the mother-in-law's today, my wife looked great, but I couldn't tell her. Why bother, when the other person doesn't care?
That's the crux of the issue, she just doesn't care. She claims to because, in her words "[I'm] still here" but that's little consolation. And I think it's bullshit. I'm frankly just waiting to be left. She says she's not going to be the one leaving, which is another discussion altogether, but she's doing lots of things that just don't make me feel any kind of secure. I mean, she set up a separate bank account that I'm 99% sure I wasn't supposed to find out about.
I'm depressed and emo and crying and god damn it, I feel like I'm back in high school. I don't know how to express myself to anyone, I can't talk to my wife, and I feel trapped. I can't leave. I can't leave my kids. Every time I even start to contemplate it, all I want to do is give them a big hug and not let go. This is killing me, and I can't leave. My only hope is that she comes back around to the woman I married, the woman I love but I really don't have much hope left.
Happy fucking Thanksgiving indeed.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 12th, 2009
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So Jess and I were discussing how we didn't like the Boy Scouts of America based on their anti-homosexual stance. We then segued into discussing the sex offender registry and how it's completely misused and has done more harm in its current incarnation than good. I asked her if she thought that someone who diddles kids should be on the same list as someone who mooned someone. Her argument was that if you're mooning someone, then you're likely showing more than just your ass, and it all boils down to intent. I claimed that in this case, the law should err on the side of not completely fucking someone's life over for a simple MOONING. She brought up that it wouldn't be just mooning, but flashing. So I started running down the list of what would be offensive:
If *I* were flashed, I'd be more irritated because I don't want to see another man's junk.
If my kid were flashed, I'd laugh, he'd laugh, and we'd talk about how silly the other person was.
So then Jess says that it can be a traumatizing event, if a 13 year old girl were flashed. I asked if the same were true of a 13 year old boy, since we live in such a repressed country, a guy seeing another guy's hard dick, I figure it would be more traumatizing. Her reply to THAT was: "99.9% of rapes are committed by men to women. A dick is a weapon, you just don't get it because you're a guy."
What the everloving FUCK?
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, September 4th, 2009
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As my mother told me today, I sound like I'm no longer completely beaten down. I'm at least on my knees, in the process of getting up. And that's how I feel.
I'm prepared for a divorce.
That's not to say I necessarily WANT a divorce or am looking forward to it, but if this keeps up then I am ready for it. If you've ever read (or seen (for the love of god, not the 2 hour version)) Shogun, picture me as anjin-san right after they prevent him from ritual suicide. It's that level of calm.
And to make a more modern reference, I feel a bit like Lester Burnham in the middle of American Beauty.
This knowledge, while sad, is somewhat comforting.
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Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
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a) on the advice of my mother, I'm going to try to get switched to Lexapro, because Cymbalta was shat out by Satan himself, and Zoloft just isn't cutting it anymore.
b) I'm also going to see a therapist because by doing that, I can finally get HER to see a therapist, which is something that's desperately needed.
c) **REDACTED**
Oh, and non-related, Meagan? My CEO just bought each employee one of those bottles of hand-sanitizer because she's a self-confessed germophobe and is worried about H1N1. Would you care to weigh in on that?
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 14th, 2009
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"So, tomorrow's not a workday, so my alarm won't be going off and irritating you, where should I sleep tonight?"
"I don't know, I kinda like having the bed all to myself..."
Nice. Roughly 2 weeks, before anyone asks. 2 weeks since I've been sleeping in a separate room. Figured I'd afford her the opportunity to "invite" me back into the room. Maybe next time I'll just ask her to kick me in the balls a few times. I think it'd hurt less.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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I'm so fucking depressed lately. My wife has put this massive wall between us lately, which has cut off...well, everything. She doesn't smile, she's *never* happy to see me, every thing I ask her gets met with derision and scorn, and nothing I do is good enough. She acts like she actively hates me on good days, and like I don't even matter on bad days. Yesterday for instance, she spent a few hours outside with her mother to prepare for a garage sale today, taking a break only to come in the house for dinner. Now, as per her request, I made dinner, but of course did it wrong. So thankfully, she stuck her head in the house before I actually got started to tell me that I was wrong. Then, when we were all done, she goes back outside, leaving me to bathe both the kids and put them to bed. Fine, no big deal. So in between that (and afterward) I cleaned the kitchen, straightened the living room, and cleared/cleaned the dining room table. Nothing major, but admittedly more than I usually do. So when she's done outside (it's dark by then), she comes in, goes in the kitchen and says, "You forgot to get Dexter's seat. Again." I offer to get it (because I *did* forget), and she tells me that she's already got it. Then she goes into the bedroom. For the night. No other words spoken, no "good night", nothing. By the time I go to bed around 12am, she's still awake, reading a book. I didn't say anything, just got in bed and passed out. She didn't say a word to me, and I was too upset to say anything to her.
This kind of thing isn't completely uncommon either. It's taking its toll, in a very severe fashion. Hell, a few months ago, I tried to suggest fooling around (side note: I wouldn't suggest sex with her, as she has an irrational fear that she's going to get pregnant again even though I'm snipped) and got shot down. 4-5 times over a two week period. Each time, I took it harder than I anticipated. So now, I don't suggest or try anything. We've had some form of sexual relations once in about a year. I haven't been touched (sexually or otherwise) in months. MONTHS. She doesn't seem to care about me at all. No "how are you" or "how was your day" or *anything*.
And lately I've grown to realize that I have little to no self-confidence. I can't do anything right around her and haven't been able to for a really long time. So as a result, I've tried to get more explicit directions and ask more questions to minimize the possibility of me fucking up, which only serves to irritate her more. I honestly feel as though I can't do anything right around her, which means I don't even want to try, which translates into me just wanting to sit and wait for the day to be over and generally being lazy, which just aggravates her even more.
I know I've screwed up our relationship over the last couple years, but I'm trying to fix it, I really am. She knows I am, as I've told her and shown her that I intend to make changes, and I have but it's hard when the other party just gets worse and withdraws even more.
It's depressing and it's getting to me and I'm trapped and I'm acting far too emo for my tastes. Which doesn't help. I just want to be married to someone who gives a damn about me or how I'm doing, but that's apparently too much to ask.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 28th, 2009
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Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.
1. Your nick: long long ago, on a campus thankfully far away, we were allowed to choose our own email addresses. Wanting an irreverent email address (who was going to use it for anything serious, I mean REALLY) I went through various iterations - twit, dork, and then finally "spaz". That one was somewhat clever, short, self-deprecating, and most importantly, available. So I got set up with "spaz@grove.ufl.edu" (don't bother Googling it, nothing shows). Then, my friend introduced me to IRC, a place where my personality could shine through, and I didn't actually have to actually MEET people. Heaven. Unfortunately, my first experience was on EFnet. For those uninitiated to IRC, it's like your first sexual experience happening at Sing Sing. The name "spaz" was constantly taken, so I had to work to keep it. Finally, I decided that it was too much effort, and since I was watching Beavis and Butthead, I just threw the "holio" on the end. I occasionally use "spazimodo" too, just because it rolls off the tongue.
2. Diabetes: Ugh. Diagnosed at 22, I went to the doctor because I had a something on my pinkie. No idea what it was - sorta like a boil I think, but I've never had one, so I'm not entirely sure. It wasn't going away, and I was constantly thirsty and going to the bathroom several times a night. And I had lost 40 pounds. So I went to the doc to shut my wife up, so she'd stop bugging me about going to the doc. They took some blood, and my levels measured 700+ mg/dL. Again, for those uninitiated, a "normal" person's glucose levels are supposed to be 75-125. They were stunned I could was even conscious, much less walking and talking. I had an answering machine message when I got home, telling me not to eat or drink ANYTHING and to report to the infirmary at 0600 (this was when I was in the USAF) for a Glucose Tolerance Test. The GTT involves a blood draw and a piss test, then they give you some sort of Pedialyte ultra-glucose-y drink, and wait an hour. Then they do another blood draw and piss test. This goes on for about 4 hours. After the third one, I asked very politely if they had to keep drawing out of the exact same goddam spot. Not near, or around - the same puncture hole! Sergeant came around and said we could stop because there was no question that I was diabetic, they just wanted to see how bad. After that, they more or less gave me a bunch of needles, a bunch of vials, and told me to enjoy my new non-worldwide-deployable life in the military. I got out shortly after that.
3. Porn: for those of you who are not familiar with me, this has nothing to do with the hundred or so gigs of it I have on my 4-disk, RAID-5 NAS I have at home. No, this has more to do with my network of porn sites. I do not produce original content - rather, I promote other companies' content. I have roughly 10 sites, all ranging from "regular", fetish, gay and shemale porn. Ideally, this is supposed to bring me a bit more income than what I have now. To date, it has not done so. I really need to pay more attention to them, honestly. As a result of this, I have learned several very helpful SEO techniques which have helped me out in other areas. Please note I said "techniques", not "tricks" - SEO is a very real thing, and people who immediately scoff as soon as they hear the acronym need to have a Google datacenter shoved up their ass sideways. If someone promises to get you to page 1 for any given term (with the exception of one guy, who has proven to me that he can do it, and it was pretty damned impressive), they are selling snake oil. If someone tells you that they can work to improve your ranking and your landing on SERPs, take a listen.
4. Webhosting: Along with Blaze, I run an incredibly profitable webhosting company. Our motto is: Give Us Your Damned Money If It's Legal, We'll Host It. We host a wide range of stuff. We try to be geek-friendly and more personally involved with the sites we host. You need a little bit more bandwidth than what we have in a stock plan, we can set that up. You need someone to look into a PHP script and see why it won't run, we can do that too. Basically, most of the stuff that other webhosting companies will turn their nose up at, we like to fill that niche.
5. IRC: I got started with "chatting" back on AOL rooms. Once I got to college, my friend told me he could get me any software I needed. After days of constant haranguing, he showed me how he managed it: IRC. He introduced me to it, loaded mIRC on my system, and the rest is history. Hung out on EFnet for the duration of my college time, and have recently found 2 of the better people from those days on - where else? - Facebook. I loved the concept that I could meet people around the world all from my computer. While I can be a social creature, I'm just as happy in front of my computer, and IRC allowed me the freedom to be a social recluse. I still use it to this day, and have met many of my closest friends on there.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, January 12th, 2009
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Sunday, November 30th, 2008
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You know it's the first heavy snow of Winter when you can answer the question (while driving) "Hey, wonder where those tire tracks go?" with the following:
a) "Oooh, the ditch - ouch"
b) "That poor bastard's house"
c) "Oncoming traffic"
d) "Nowhere? Oh well, guess we have to wait until Spring"
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Monday, November 17th, 2008
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"Hey, he's been awfully quiet...."
"Hey, what smells like nail polish...?"
".....damn it."
link
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
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Friday, October 31st, 2008
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Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
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Copy this sentence into your livejournal if you're in a heterosexual marriage, and you don't want it "protected" by the bigots who think that gay marriage hurts it somehow.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, October 4th, 2008
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Not really big into memes, but seeing as how I have a very few number of people on my f-list, I figure I can't offend too many people with this one. Fill it out, dammit!
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favorite and least favorite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 14th, 2008
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For all my LJ friends who also have Facebook accounts, please click here and give it a look. Here's a synopsis:
Joe Jackson of Tuscaloosa Alabama, is the father of a nine year old boy, Brett, with a very rare form of brain cancer (neurocutaneous melanosis). There is only one treatment for it at only one hospital in their entire country - Sloane-Kettering in New York. The treatment is experimental, costs roughly $100,000, and is not covered by their insurance.
So far, Joe has managed to raise just over $30,000 through donations from various websites (specifically fark.com) but it's not enough. More money is needed to save this young boy's life.
This isn't some shitty "click-here-and-Bill-Gates-will-wipe-out-your-debt" kind of thing - this is legitimate. Their donation page is here. Anything you can give can help: five bucks, some words of support, anything.
Thanks all.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 7th, 2008
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So...the gov't just took control of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Somehow, this doesn't seem like a good thing.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
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I'm so glad that Bank of America has decided to slash my limits and cancel my cards, right when I need them the most. Jerks.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 17th, 2008
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Ok, I know this is a "thing" that's happening right now, but I just had the most surreal thing happen to me via IM, and I'm going to paste it here: (( under the cut )
I'm finding more evidence of this here, here, and here.
It appears to be a little harmless fuckery, and honestly, I'm pretty amused by it. Apparently, a third party "dials" up two random AIM screenames and connects them so it appears as though they each initiated the conversation. And the screenames are always "_____salmon".
Strange things are afoot, I say.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
spazholio's journal
depressed.
confused.